When Great Trees Fall
Commemorating the loss of the matriarch of my family, my dear Grandmother, Alice.
Now would probably be a good time for me to divert my innerG into this plain landscape. Quite significant to the chapter I feel is echoing in my life at the moment - a clean slate. It’s been 5 months of being in the US and so far I have activated my purpose as a healer, traveled to several countries and across the nation of the United States. Hopped between family and friends homes and a handful of airbnb’s and hotels with the latest news of my grandmother being called to go on home to the Lord. I can definitely say that I am in a grieving state. I saw myself scrambling for control of this whole process grasping tightly to the joy I had worked so hard to receive. I felt like I had just become accustomed to having it consistently until she passed. Running from the miniature cloud of a thunderstorm reaching for the top of your head is something only time and acceptance can dissipate. I believe Mother is asking me to recalibrate my steps and reconvene with her direction. Seems as though no matter how much I go through changes, when it appears, it still feels as if I’m a baby all over again. Learning more about myself, the way of life and the art of surrender and creation. Do we create in seasons? Does our capacity for clarity and enjoyment come with a number of months and/or are we designed to have a plethora of contrasting experiences to bring our desires into fruition?
Loosening My Grip
As our great sister, Taraji P. Henson stated, “Ya know it’s hard out here for a pimp.” I am somebody that has adopted the mindset of the silver lining - finding good and purpose in all things. Affirming that all moments are working out for my highest good. This I still deem true. I believe it is the resistance of letting go that evolves pain to suffering. The mind will repetitively stream a consciousness of abstract dialogue that can often times derive negativity when going through the heat of the moment or sudden change. I believe that is why I have been extremely passionate about my relationship with self for many years, almost more than my music. It would never matter how many flowers show up, the amount of condolences I would receive; if my mind is focused on my grandmother’s absence, her infinite frequency in the quantum dimensions would find difficult to reach me. I’m doing my best to focus on the highest good in all of this and still comforting the inner child that was consistently comforted by her beloved Grandmother when times got tough. She would sit me on her lap in her nightgown and sing our classic, “Zippidy- Do-Dah-Zippidy-A. My, oh my, what a beautiful day, plenty of sunshine heading my way, wonderful feeling, wonderful day.”
Our Last Conversation
What has kept me looking onward is my last conversation with my dear Grandmother, Alice. It was March 25, 2023 and I had just returned from my southern activations in Texas and Louisiana to Las Vegas. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I’m also a numbers girlie and they say “25” reveals the changes coming into your life that will force you to grow and become a better person in society, so it’s also interesting that her passing was on May 25, 2023. Almost 2 weeks after my grandfather and her heavenly husband’s bearthday, as well as the day after Tina Turner was called home. I was in the heat of preparation for the launch of my first retreat and was preparing to shoot out to New York for my next excursion. One thing about being busy, especially as your family members begin to age, you have to make time for your people. The opportunities of collecting any information about past family history, their wisdom and just an overall innocent moment of hearing the voice of the person that raised you is worth the pursuit and prioritization. In a very fragile state, she began to cue the “hard conversation of reality” to me. I said, “Maw Maw, how are you doing? How you really doing right now?” She had a way of hiding the truth, because she never liked to worry her loved ones. It would be a rare day that she would speak up for what she really needed, because she constantly prioritized the livelihood of those around her. That is also something I’ve learned from her. Speak up for what you want. Put yourself first and it’s absolutely okay to be selfish. I admire her for the days I wasn’t aware of the range in her cup and no matter what the circumstances were whether it be financially, mentally and physically challenging, she would magically have the strength to pour her last bit into whomever was in need.
Be Who I Know You Are
Maybe our quest for self-love has also separated us from our innate ability to show up for others in need, because we don’t want to be inconvenienced, hassled, burdened and needed. I get it. It’s a lot. Paying the price of being on Earth and having the responsibilities of what it takes to create a life that often times feels as though we are surviving or just getting by get’s overwhelming. The small windows we give ourselves to celebrate what we’ve worked so hard for. The lack of rest and stillness we reward ourselves, because maybe we are pressured to focus on the next thing. I hope this inspires you to lean into your softness and rest a bit more so that you can show up for the one’s you love, fully. Maw Maw took a deep breath and dished it to me as gently as she could while coughing up phlegm from her chest. “Lovelet, I need you to be strong ok? It’s coming to the point where I won’t go on anymore and I need you to stand up tall and be the woman that I know you are. You can do this. You are my, Lovelet and you get things done.” Tears began streaming from our eyes and there goes reality introducing itself to me in a way I’d never experienced. Hearing the strongest woman I knew vocalize her willingness to surrender was shocking. I knew how hard it was for her to release control, so this moment was imperative. I went on to ask her about how long she believed she would be around and that if she could, could she hang around until her bearthday in June, because I had a one way ticket to see her in Chicago. Although she mentioned a possibility of sticking around for her celebration, her final breath was the morning of May 25th.
Breaking the News
On the day of her transition, I was having an activation at an African-American owned membership club in West Adams, The Gathering Spot in Los Angeles and looking back on it, that day was strangely different. Something was in the air and I could feel it. I had originally planned to do a singing bowl meditation to awaken the inner-child, but my gut was telling me that they needed a more in-depth healing. Kundalini Breath-work. Shortly after I had made the decision to shift gears, I was holding space for some major breakthroughs all across the room. My mom spared me the news so that I could show up emotionally stable and hold space for this beautiful group of Black, Brown, White and Queer beings. The morning of the 26th, I was getting a group FaceTime from my younger brothers and mother who were in New Orleans. Mommy says, “Alexis, are you alone and in the space to receive right now?” Me hesitating a “yes, I am, what’s up?” Mom takes a deep inhale, exhale and says, “Maw maw died yesterday.” I immediately threw my phone down and wept. I didn’t expect to react in those ways. I was also thinking about the fact that I was back in Los Angeles where I had received the news about my Paw Paw passing 2 months into me moving to Los Angeles back in 2021. Might I mention, this was also my first time in Los Angeles since I moved away to go travel the world.
It felt as if one full circle was after another, but this one hit way harder, because Alice was like my mother. I also had my biggest activation with 25 women in the coming days. I knew it would be powerful, but I had no idea I would be channelling this strongly from the divine. Gratefully enough, it’s miraculous what a hot bath, warm food and Netflix will do. I pulled myself together and jetted out for the closest yoga class the next morning. It was a heated yin-yoga class that definitely heard the sounds of my deep cries and hymns as I laid there in fetal position while the hippie-like teacher was singing kirtan lullabies from her guitar. I was also staying at a dear friend’s house that I was partnering in my activations with and I couldn’t have asked for a better surrounding. My dear friend and her sister whom live together lost their mother at a very young age, but was still old enough to remember her. They knew exactly what to do and gave me the space I needed to process the news. I believe God ordained my steps so that I could truly receive the comfort of what I didn’t know I needed. Community.
Serving Through Adversity
As much as I tried to prepare idealistic conditions for my life before she passed, like stepping into my independence as a holistic healer, personality and artist heightened every emotion possible. No book can teach you to have faith until activate it. That Sunday morning, when we had 25 women show up to the healing circle, the amount of auto-pilot I went into as the screams, tears and pain expressed from each woman let me know I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was born to do. To serve. Even in my own pain, it brought me much joy and fulfillment to plant a seed in each of these women. Delicately exposing them to their inner-beauty, infinite, divine support and power. Now that I’m on The Otherside, my major focus is to allow space for my grief. To schedule time to cry and process when needed. To reward myself with playtime and rest. Submerge myself in natural resources like sunlight, water and Earth. Such a difference from when my Paw Paw went on. Parties, over-working and open to any and everything. Not this time around, honey. Pain is our greatest teacher and we can either give it space to release and make peace with it or it will surely have it’s way with us and everything we care about. We get to decide.
GoFundMe + Plant Medicine Retreat
If you feel called, my family and I would greatly appreciate a donation of any amount to my grandmother’s home going. I would like to make it the most beautiful ceremony for her as she soul greatly deserves.
Make an Offering to Assata’s Grandmother, Alice Palmer.
Thank you for reading. I know it had been a long time since I had given updates on my journey. As you can see, ya girl has been working. If you are interested in joining my all women’s ayahuasca retreat in Bogota, Colombia this August, feel free to contact me at assatajones@gmail.com. You can also review the details here.